Dear Ladies, choice of cosmetics should never be based on product descriptions. Here is why:

Once upon a time I stood in cosmetic stores, all big-eyed and trying to decide between extracts of the yellow sea and active ingredients from the glaciers; and weighing the effects of deep-moisturising + soothing, and simply moisturising but also energising...

Now I realise that the truth and the description of the cosmetic are in two different places. For the truth, go to the ingredient list. For entertainment, lets go through the product description.




Amazonian Pink Snail Extract aka Exotic Ingredients

   Advertising campaigns are often based upon an exotic ingredient of which trace amounts are contained in the product. Clients will never buy something with carrot extract if they can get the extract of the third petal of the five-petalled ultraviolet orchid. Especially if the said orchid was a beauty secret of the Ancient Egyptians, Mayas, Innuits and Vulcanians.

♥ Tip: it is often more effective and economical to buy the pure form of the exotic ingredient, and use it directly or drink it. Read about how to use active ingredients directly.



Goddess In The Shower aka Sensual Atmosphere
 
   Exclusive, fantastic names for ordinary products: the Radiance Fluid (in fact and anti-frizz serum) doesn't even make the hair radiant, but gives us a glowing halo. Besides, it turns your bathroom into an exotic Mediterranean spa.
Language that strongly appeals to the senses, and brings up sensual images, such as "skin that is soft as silk" and "ready to be loved"... you're reading poetry.



102% In 5 Days, aka Hard Facts:

Dandruff & anti-wrinkle creams are sold by seemingly informative, hard and logical language, with lots of specialistic terminology to impress you. They tell you that your skin is messed up due to the lack of xy and the break-up of yz, but the cream contains active bullshitoids that will take care of all that. You will see a noticeable results Your skin will look exactly 51% better within 78 minutes, and the cream has been tested on a group of 999.9 women by 36 and a half dermatologists.



Impressotin© Dumbcustomeroids™ aka Pseudo Science

Contains the new super-innovative complex abracadabra® with IQ that precisely sculpts your body: flattens your abdomen and roundens your butt... well, what if it makes a mistake and flattens the butt and roundens your belly ? Ah, I forgot that the cream is intelligent.
BTW the cream contains soundgoodtoid® that contain justbuythis-pro©.... Now you are impressed, admit it.



The Magic Of Words:

Names, Places And Concepts: Eveline Los Angeles, Laboratories Coco Chanel, cream HydraTao
Hydro- Bio- and Fyto- have made quite a career in cosmetic terminology. So did pro- and active. It's not a moisturiser, it's an active biohydrocomplex pro !



It's an airplane, it's a rocket, it's a cream !

It improves your attractiveness, the happy-dorfins cause your skin to shine with joy. It lifts your mood, and awakes your senses. In fact, you start looking like a smiley. Your boyfriend loves you more, and even your mother does too.



Because you're awesome, you expect the best, and all that crap.
You're worth it. Worth them unnecessarily torturing rabbits and baby monkeys. Just for you.



Buy them all:

To make the customer loyal to the brand, words are used that make you want to buy more of their products. Series, therapy, programme, collection: these words make you feel that the products complete each other, and yet each does a specialised task. The name of the entire collection tells you what results you get when using all of the products: Diamonds-and-Platinum Reflex Therapyy. Even thinking of another brand will spoil that shining effect.

So, how to choose cosmetics ?

• Don't even read product descriptions.
• Learn to read labels. It's not as hard as it sounds. Quite soon you'll know that anything with SLS, alcohol denat and petroleum is bad, and that a simpler ingredient list is usually the best.
• Research online. For reviews try MakeupAlley, for ingredient safety go to Skin Deep.
• Don't underestimate stuff you can make yourself, in your home lab or in your kitchen.

Got any favourite product description that you love to laugh at ? Do you watch Telemarketing just for the laughs ?

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You might also want to read:

I heard of a girl who used to tiptoe to the bathroom at 4:00 am every morning to brush her teeth, so that she'd impress her guy by "waking up" with fresh-minty-breath later on. One day he woke and saw her sneaking out of bed with a toothbrush, and she was extremely mortified. Yes, she was trying ridiculously hard, but isn't she better than the lady who has been married for 10 years and lets her moustache grow luxuriantly (why should she kill herself waxing ?)

   Here is fantastic advice on the Golden Path of the Middle when preening to keep the attention of the domesticated male, written for you by The Naked Redhead. When I first stumbled onto her blog, the first thing I thought (for the rest of the day) was "I wanna write like her": I love her candidness, delicious sarcasm, and stiletto-sharp wit. (The second thing I thought was Mystic Medusa was right about Virgos swearing.)

Too Little vs. Too Much:  Finding “Just Right”, Goldilocks Style

     I have several problems with the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, one being, WTF are bears shacking up in a house?!  And porridge?  Really?  Last I checked, bears were carnivores (WHY they didn’t eat Goldilocks as soon as they found her is beyond me.  I’m assuming their vegetarianism has made them into total bleeding-heart liberals.)
     However, there’s something to little Goldilocks looking for the “Just Right”.  Lone-child-in-the-woods-walking- into-a stranger’s-home-uninvited-and-helping-herself-to-their-shit aside, here’s a girl who knows the importance of a happy medium.
    Which brings me to a story of two other girls.  I’ll call them Too Little and Too Much.
     Too Little has been in a relationship for quite some time…and you can tell.  She started out looking good for her partner all the time:  hair, make-up—the works.  Now, though, she’s adopted a “wash and wear” haircut (though the “wash” is dubious), her make-up routine is non-existent, her clothes are sloppy and her only accessory is a sour ex-pression.
     Too Much has also been in a relationship for quite some time.  But this lady is a poster child for an overabundance of make-up, hairspray and cleavage.  Her partner has never seen her without full foundation, manicure or perfectly touched-up roots. 
     Now look, before anyone gets all Mama Bear and says, “Hey, I don’t wear make-up! That doesn’t mean I’ve given up!”  or “Hey, I wear make-up!  That doesn’t mean I’m high maintenance!”…I know.  I’m not talking about you.  Shh.
Let me explain…it’s all about attitude.

Too Little

    I was married once before, so I get the mentality of settling into a relationship.  Marriage (or the agreement upon the LTR) marks the death of the single life.  We aren’t that far removed from animals, after all…just like our wild counterparts, we do certain things in our single lives to make ourselves more noticeable to a potential mate.  If it’s not make-up or hair, it’s a new outfit, bedspread, maybe even just an attempt to be “on” all the time.  With the exception of one asshole I dated, every person I know makes an effort to at least wipe down the toilet (or at minimum, act embarrassed about it) before a new love interest comes over for the first time. 
   About a year into my marriage, I checked out.  I just didn’t care anymore.  I didn’t work out, I packed on the pounds, and I grew listless.  But my “too little” routine wasn’t simply that I knew I’d never need to attract a man again, it seeped into my entire mentality about my relationship.  Why work on things—any thing—if we were in a “til death” situation?  I mean, that’s PERMANENT, right?
Too Little’s tread on dangerous territory.  Like plants, goldfish or babies, relationships die if they are not continually maintained.  I am not saying that any woman (or man) should be in full-blown “going out mode” all the time, but effort on the outside can reflect effort on the inside. 
    Look, Too Little is not just about the absence of make-up.  I have a good friend who has never worn more make-up than a swipe of Chapstick…but she’s not a Too Little.  On the contrary, she is scrupulous about what goes into her body, she takes time for meditation and yoga, and spends time pursuing the things she was interested in before she was married.   She understands that you can’t forget who you were before the relationship.  That person is still just as important, as desirable and fascinating as she (or he!) was five, ten, or fifteen years ago.  YOU just have to believe that.

Too Much

    Once my marriage ended, I dated a lot (read:  I was a tad whorish).  I quickly realized that there were dickwads out there that expected no less than Barbie doll perfection at all times…and they’d get women who bought the hype!
    Er, no thanks.
    Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to look good, but, just like with Too Little, Too Much can be a deeper attitude issue that can be damaging to a relationship.
    Listen up…perfection is a myth.  It’s impossible to be completely perfect, and it’s the imperfections that make you uniquely YOU.  Your partner may actually like the way that you smell and look clean-faced and fresh from the shower.  My boyfriend thinks I’m cute when I’ve just completed a work-out and my cheeks are red and my hair is mess…I know, weird, right?

{Eternal*Voyageur: take a moment to read about what men want. It might surprise you.}

    I know women who are stunning without make-up, women whose hair looks fantastic after a joyful bike ride, and girls that know how to dress those gorgeous not-size-six curves.  Personally, my boobs are practically non-existent, but I love that it makes me look “athletic” or that I can wear super low-cut tops without looking like I’m advertising.  We are sexy even without hours spent in front of a mirror, especially when we get who we are and we stop trying to be something we aren’t. 
   This acceptance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try a new lipstick, or go to the salon for a blow-out or a wax.  But if life gets in the way of “perfection”, be ok with that, too.
   If you’re a Too Much, stop trying so hard.  Give yourself and your partner space and let those beautiful imperfections shine.  Forgetting perfume or mascara one day won’t result in a break-up the next.   

Just Right

    Both Too Little and Too Much have hope to get things Just Right.  It’s simply a matter of tweaking your attitude. If you feel you’ve given up because life is crazy (new baby, new job, lost job, etc.) look at the cause and motive of your Too Little.  Too Little is ok for awhile if life demands other priorities, but if it’s been months or years of Too Little, you may need to check your attitude. 
    If you feel like you will be less beautiful without Too Much, check what factors are causing that mindset.  Maybe take a belly dancing class or go to a pin-up workshop. Examine your perceived imperfections and find the beauty in them.  And by all means, if there is someone in your life feeding you little vampiric lies that you’d be prettier this way or that way…fuq that noise. 
    Be a Goldilocks…go for the Just Right, and you’ll end up resting happily at the end of your day.  Just beware of when the bears come home.
                                                                

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A while back I wrote about having a stylish pregnancy on a budget, and now I want to share some photos that illustrate how I did it.
My main strategy was buying only maternity trousers, and relying on non-maternity clothes for the rest, mostly stuff that I had worn before the pregnancy. Most of what I did buy were things that I could wear even after the pregnancy.
I couldn't bring myself to buy maternity clothes that I'd wear for 9 months and then post-partum  just 2-3 months. (Maternity clothes are too big to fit in the first trimester, and after that, well, there is such a thing as seasons. I started my pregnancy in the fall, and then went from cold snowy winter to quite a hot summer. So stop telling me maternity wear is an investment.)
To make the whole thing work, I used belts, leggings, belly-belts, and big jewelery.


Here are some snapshots, of outfits that I found snap-worthy.

All stuff, unless otherwise specified, is thrifted. Pardon the lack of shoes in most photos, I never wear them at home and forget to put them on for the outfit shots. Also, I'm no fashionista, so pardon the less-than-perfection of it all.

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* Maternity bra myths
* Guide to Pregnant Backpacking
* Malaysian postpartum belly wrap: Bengkung
   *more*

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If you are like me, you hate having your eye-shadows and blushers in lots of tiny little containers. I often apply my make-up in the last moment, and I can never find the container that I want !

So, I decided to put all my eye-shadows on a single palette, and blushers on another. I used CD jewel cases, and it took me around 15 minutes.

You will need:

• Eyeshadows or blushers
• Empty CD jewel cases (look for thicker ones, not the flat thin ones).
• A knife
• Glue, or glue gun
  

HOW TO:

** Carefully, pry the eye shadow loose from it case.**

You will notice that the shadow in in a little metal container, which is glued into the plastic base. Be careful to insert the blade between the metal and the plastic ! That means, outside of the metal rim !

* Watch out: Be very gentle, and work slowly !
If you don't do this part carefully, you might crack the shadow.
If you do crack the shadow: Cover the shadow with a piece of foil or plastic bag, then press very hard with your thumb. Hopefully the pressure will squeeze the powder back together.
* Watch out: not all eye shadows can be taken out this way ! Sometimes the metal rim is too soft, and starts bending. In that case, I guess its best to leave that shadow alone, otherwise it might break.

**Remove the inner part of the CD jewel case.**

Not all CDs have this ! If yours doesn't, make sure that it is the thicker, bulkier kind of CD case ! The thin flat ones are usually too thin for makeup.

**Arrange you make-up in the case.**

You might want to group it by colour, or by lightness/darkness. Or you might want to separate the matts from the glitters. My stuff had all different sizes, so I worked with that.
Watch out: Try closing the lid of the case. Usually there is a gap on the left side, and small protrusions on the top of the case. If the lid doesn't close, you might want to move things around a bit.

Glue the pigments into the CD jewel case:

I'm a messy cleanness freak. That is, I love my home to be organised and clean, but I never manage to have it that way.

I used to ignore my home for days, then suddenly I was overwhelmed by the mess, freak out, and go for hours-long cleaning sprees. These made me burn out, and I didn't want to clean ever again. The mess started piling up again. Circle. Chain. Whatever.

Sounds familiar ?

Now I clean for 15 minutes a day (apart from vaccuming and cleaning the kitchen work surface). Most time I'm on top of the mess, and when someone threatens to visit, I only need to clear up toddler food and socks. Oh, and feel like I clean less than before. Just 15 minutes. Every day.

I got the "15 minute clean" idea from the Uncluterer. Let me tell you how I made it work for me:

* How "15 minutes" works:

• 15 minutes is so few that you can't use the excuse of not having time. I mean, you can't not have 15 minutes. (If you really don't, you need to quit one of your 3 jobs). So, you are likely to actually clean every day.
  
• 15 minutes is short, and this make you work faster to beat the clock. You get more done.
• You're not fed up of cleaning after 15 minutes. That means you don't burn out, and you still feel up to cleaning the next day.

* How to use the "15 minute clean-up":

"15 minute clean-up" a regime cleaning your home for just 15 mins a day. That's it. Cleaning means putting stuff away as well as washing off dirt. It does not include vaccuming, putting clearing up dishes after eating, or mopping up the smoothie from the floor.

Here is how to do it:

• Divide your home into 7 parts, one part for each day.
  You may want to give yourself a day off on certain days, like the weekends or a day when you are very busy. Alternatively you can schedule the 'easiest' room on those days.
  Keep in mind other activities: schedule the bathroom after your messy home beauty treatment.
  

• Start the kitchen timer.

• Work fast, first doing the essentials (putting away unsightly stuff, throwing out what needs to go, and emptying the room's trash into the 'main' trash.).
  It might be useful to have a list of these essential tasks somewhere in that room.
  

• Then leave the room. Come back, and note which ugly, messy or dirty thing catches your eye. Deal with it.
  As the Unclutterer would say: “What single action would make the greatest impact right now?”

• Do the stuff that need to be done only occasionally: clean the windows, remove spots from walls, declutter a drawer, remove spiderwebs, clean the TV screen, wipe the light switches.

• When the timer rings, stop. You're not allowed to do anything else. If you do cheat and continue working, you won't want to work tomorrow.
  Ok, if you've done most of the window, you can finish it. But try to keep track of time while working, so you'll have an idea how many tasks you can fit in.

If after 15 minutes your room is still a mess:

• Train family members to put their stuff away and help with the household chores. You are not their slave.
  
• Organise your stuff, so that you always know where everything is, so that it's easy to put away, and that the ugliest stuff is in closed storage.
  
• Practice the habit of putting everything away after using it, immediately.
• Get rid of stuff. You probably have too much clutter.
• Lower your expectations. The house should be for you, not you for the house.
  

What else ?

I try to have an end of the day routine, when I put stuff away for a few minutes, and make sure that I'm greeted the next morning by a clean kitchen work surface and sink (nothing starts your day like doing dirty dishes from the day before). 

If I still have the time and energy to clean after my 15 minutes. I check out Kelly's Missions. This lady is great to remind me to deal with areas that often get ignored (like the spider webs).